[TW – suicide]
It’s hard staring death in the face, screaming for the life of a young girl you barely knew but can relate to. It’s hard. Seeing people you love grappling with the grief that comes from a permanent choice made to deal with a temporary problem… on the other hand, I know, those problems don’t feel temporary. They feel like 1000 ft concrete walls closing in on you every minute and you can decide to let the weight crush you or beat them to it.
It’s hard staring into the eyes of your mother and seeing the reflection of my own bounce back, knowing that I have been moments away from inflicting this exact pain on our family and my friends.
I get it.
But, I wish you could’ve seen the crowd that gathered in your name. The song that was sang and the words read, only for you. I wish you could’ve felt the outpouring of love coming from all directions, before you made your decision, because it was so real.
Your family walked with you in and out… I was counted as one of them, and despite being practically strangers I cried for you, for your pain. For the words and emotions you locked away and carried alone, when there were hundreds of people in the sidelines willing to take a bit of the weight. I know you couldn’t see them, but I promise you they were there.
I don’t know the demons you hid, but I feel the gnawing of my own, and my whole heart breaks for you – and while I’m not a big believer in heaven or hell, I hope that you found your peace somewhere between here and there, wherever there may be.
And to everyone else, I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it over and over. You are never alone. There is always someone who will listen. Always. Give yourself that chance, because despite what your demons may say, you are worth it.