the negative effects of doing the right thing

There’s a lot to be said for stress and what it does to a person’s mind and body. I am no stranger to stress, as most things in life inadvertently stress me out –  

  • Talking to people – whether it be people I know or don’t know, whether it’s planned or spontaneous, it probably stresses me out.
  • Being around large groups of people – public transit, working in an office, events, parties etc.
  • Having to share my space – personal bubble space, home space, all space.
  • Eating – this has been discussed in a previous post.
  • Money – and anything to do with it.
  • Making decisions – what do you want for dinner? Oh, I don’t know, an anxiety sandwich.
  • The future – yes thinking about what will happen 5 minutes from now to 50 years from now, stresses me out.

I could go on to list every single interaction that causes me stress, but I think I’ve expressed my point. What it comes down to is this: everyday things that a normal person would drift in and out of effortlessly are large stone walls that I have to climb and jump from all day.

At this point in time it feels like I’ve been climbing and jumping walls for months, winter doesn’t treat me well and December to now has been nothing short of chaotic. The actions of a single person have completely eighty-sixed multiple lives, cultivating bedlam and agitation in the roots of a once stable environment.
Although I know that certain things cause me to disintegrate, I feel an irrational responsibility to build everyone up, when I just can’t. I put my sanity, happiness, time, space, monetary security, all of it, on the line for other people and completely forget that I am also a human being who needs things. I can’t keep blindly supporting without reinforcing my own support beams or else the whole structure will crumble.   

And boy am I crumbling.

So, this week, I am going to take a step back from my constant busying and stressors – I have to work (obviously), but at home I will be doing things for the benefit of myself, since 95% of my time has been dedicated to other people over the last while.
As the RuPaul saying goes, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
On that note, Happy Valentines Day, and remember the only person you have for your entire life is you, and you deserve to be taken care of.

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