a rare, aforementioned, good day has graced me with its presence – along with real sunshine. I feel like this week has been extremely long, with an over abundance of stressful situations, but the clouds have cleared for a brief moment.
I find these times really weird, mostly because I’m not used to feeling “happy”. It feels, almost, as uncontrollable as my depression at times… I try to be calm, but my body acts like it should be bouncing off the walls, everything I do is done with one hundred times more enthusiasm than I intend, I talk louder, I smile larger than what feels possible for my face. It’s almost like being electrocuted, a quick surge of prickly energy, and the harsh drop that follows.
By no means am I saying that being happy isn’t enjoyable… it just feels so foreign that I don’t know how to interact with it, not to mention I know it won’t last long – maybe a day, and, if I’m lucky, I can ride the easy wave for a day or two more before I’m back down to where I was.
But… in the short term,
I wore a cute dress to work, because I deserve to feel pretty. I went for a walk in the sun with no jacket on and treated myself to a crepe and a fancy juice for lunch. I didn’t think about the pointlessness of me and my life, I just felt my feet hit the sidewalk. I smiled at people instead of avoiding their eyes. I laughed genuinely.
These are reminders to myself of who I am, and while my illnesses do contribute to my person, they do not define me.