I have a lot of things going on right now, which is why writing has been more sporadic than planned – I feel like I’ve been sick for weeks, between a cold that doesn’t want to give up and stomach issues that plague me daily, I haven’t really been able to mentally prepare myself for something that I have been planning for months now.
This week I am traveling to Boston. It is the farthest away from home I will have ever been, the longest plane ride I will have ever been on, and although I won’t be “alone” (as it is a work trip) I will be without the one person who can calm me down and talk to me in stressful situations… and that is indescribably scary.
I haven’t been able to sleep properly, constantly plagued with nightmares of being in fiery plane crashes and airport shoot outs – as unreasonable as this may be to most people, to me it seems completely possible… Even though I know millions of people fly in the US every day, I can’t help but think about all of the disastrous outcomes that could come of me getting on that plane and flying there.
I think this says a lot about a couple of things:
1) despite how much I love flying, I feel unbelievably unsafe flying in to a country that is not my own, and being in a city that I do not know – especially knowing friends who have been mugged by taxi drivers, in American cities, because they obviously didn’t know where they were going.
2) how unsafe I feel being in America in general right now.
3) how much control my Generalized Anxiety truly has over my ENTIRE life.
This is an event that I look forward to every year (not this one exactly but the one in Seattle, which is close enough to drive to) and I can’t honestly get excited because I’m too busy worrying about all of the terrible things that have a minute possibility of happening to me at any moment during my time there…. and trust me when I say my brain has shown me a lot more gruesome and morbid outcomes than I am willing to describe here.
And the worst part is that the only person that really knows me and what I need isn’t going to be there. He’s going to be here. And maybe this makes me sound like I am dependent, and I will not deny that. The fact of the matter is, if you could choose between fighting a battle alone or fighting alongside someone – what would you choose? The thought of fighting alone for even a few days is enough to give me constant motion sickness and insomnia… never mind actually having to do it.
I am a being controlled by fear, I just hope that I can grapple it before we lift off.
Maybe I’ll download an audiobook or something…