push over.

Last weekend I went on a business trip, it was extremely stressful and busy, but in the end it was successful and, – despite ending the trip with a panic attack on the airplane – for the most part, I had a good time.
Going in to full blown anxiety mode on the plane ride home was the result of a lot of things, mostly my brain’s inability to process the event as it happened, as I also did not have a lot of down time due to how insanely busy I was. Even though the experience was embarrassing, my co-workers were so supportive that I was able to get past the whole thing by the next morning. Honestly, I felt pretty damn good when I finally got in to my house Monday morning and passed out, out of sheer exhaustion.
It’s always really weird for me, coming back from a convention, I lose all sense of time and reality during the event, and it’s a bit of a hard drop once I’m back to my “normal” routine. This time has been especially eye opening though.

It’s difficult, catching up on almost a week’s worth of brain stuff… it makes you hyper aware of everything around you, how people treat you, how you treat yourself…

I’m tiptoeing around what I want to say, because part of me wants to be so irrationally angry and I want to thrash and scream – the other part of me wants to do exactly what it always does, stay quiet and play along with everyone around me, because saving face is easier than dealing with conflict.
Coming back from this trip has shown me how much the people around me take advantage of me – my friends, my family, people I work with. This smacked me in the face immediately on Monday evening, but I didn’t really come to terms with it until yesterday – and now I view everyone around me as people trying to bleed me of my emotional and mental stability.
The fact of the matter is, I’m too nice. Yes, all of the kids who wrote “you are nice” on my valentines cards in middle school, you were right. My fear of conflict and wanting to make sure everyone is happy completely overshadows my actual needs, and so now I am this person that everyone knows they can come to to get what they want – because I will always put their needs ahead of mine. You need all of my emotional capacity – take it. You need my money – take it. You need me to support you, even if I barely have the means to support myself – sure. You need me to be a person you can treat like trash but still be around when your life falls apart – you got it. You need my house – here you go. You want to blame me for you being terrible at your job – go right ahead.

On Tuesday I heard a song, and some of the lyrics really stuck out to me:

“And sometimes when you’re on, you’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you,
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it’s absence”

Everything in my life seems cheap right now, and I can’t help but think, maybe if I was more of an asshole I might actually be able to enjoy my life.


[sorry for the weird unedited rambling, I just needed to get this off my chest.]

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