I’m finding it increasingly difficult to be an active participant in my relationships, and while I normally enjoy quiet brain moments, the lack of self conversation is uncomfortable. It’s loneliness at its core, I suppose, and while I’m not physically alone, mentally is a completely different story.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I just want to be listened to. I want to be able to say something without immediately fearing disappointing or angering the person I’m speaking to. I keep being told that how I feel is real and valid, but am constantly met with barriers that lead me to feel the opposite.
I sense myself distancing, avoiding discussion with most people, avoiding eye contact with all people. If I tune out everything around me, I might be able to pick up my own narrative again, give myself the person who will listen without an ulterior motive.
I’m a step and a half away from falling off the face of the earth, just so I can be physically alone, but mentally together.