fear

let’s talk about fear – because apparently not only is it something I do my best to fend off every day and legitimately hate about myself, but it’s also something that can be used as a weapon against me by multiple people in my life – so, I’m going to take away it’s power, for the progress of myself as a person.

if you are new here, and if you are not, I am going to spell something out for you: I have chemical imbalances in my brain which cause me to think and act irrationally. This is something I know, something I recognize and something that I try hard to control but in all reality have very little control over.
with all of that in mind, here are some examples of what I fear:

  1. I constantly fear dying in a multitude of terrible and gruesome ways
  2. I fear the dark, and still have to fall asleep with a light on
  3. I fear the inevitable darkness that will consume me when I do die (please see example 1 and 2)
  4. I fear being alone / losing all of the people I love, because I do not feel like I deserve their reciprocated affection
  5. I fear conflict (please see example 4)
  6. I fear being a disappointment to everyone around me, because that is what I see when I look at myself – a constant fucking disappointment
  7. I fear failure, because that would prove that I am a constant fucking disappointment
  8. I fear what will happen if I don’t have the same amount of steps between sidewalk slabs – most of the time I try to keep it to two
  9. Don’t even get me started on how I feel when I mess up the sequence and then step on the crack in between the sidewalk slabs
  10. And lastly, for this list anyways, I fear people using my mental illness as a stick to beat me with

So yes, here I am, in all of my fearful glory (and this only scratches the surface) – in all honesty, this is who I am, and, even if none of you see it, I am constantly making an effort to try and make myself better – not for any body’s comfort or content but my own.

In other news, I have booked myself in for another therapist appointment this weekend.  

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