I went for my second session this weekend, there were a lot more tears this time around, but most of the tears didn’t come from a place of sadness or anger. Instead, they came from truly appreciating one person, fully taking in and recalling a moment in my life which was pivotal, for a multitude of reasons.
Those who know me personally, most definitely know my fiance Cody, those who don’t – here’s his stupid cute face:
In a month from now we will have been together seven years… which is just, so crazy for me to imagine… it’s one of those situations where I feel like we’ve been married for twenty years. Maybe this is because in the span of our relationship we have been through a lot, which include, but definitely aren’t limited to:
eight moves, one being across the province
nine jobs (both of us added together)
the adoption of one cat, then another… and then another
innumerable mental breakdowns, panic attacks etc. (mostly on my end)
but only one time where we actually could’ve broken up.
That last example is my pivotal moment, because I had always lived my life the way I thought I should… experiencing the good things, then as soon as the going got tough – I got going. My safety net was being able to completely remove myself, emotionally, from a situation and find a way out. I’ve always been good at finding places to live and finding new people to be around because I spent a lot of my young life moving and starting over. Most of my relationships, up until this point, ended the same way… things weren’t working out, I was unhappy, so I created whole new lives for myself which made the leaving of my previous life easier. It’s almost always been me leaving, with little remorse or reason.
This time was very similar… Cody and I had just moved to a new city in a basement suite with three other people. Our personal space was the size of a small walk in closet, we had about one square foot of walking space amongst all of our possessions. Moving was difficult for both of us, but for Cody it was worse. I had become, almost, immune to picking up and leaving that the distance I was putting between me and my home town didn’t phase me at all… I don’t even remember crying before we left. It isn’t my right to speak on behalf of Cody’s feelings, but I recognize that it was extremely hard for him, and knowing that I put him through that experience still burns today.
Without going in to any super gritty details, our relationship became very volatile after the move. We fought, we ignored each other, we did and said vengeful things. So I resorted to what I knew… I distanced, emotionally detached, surrounded myself with different people, sourced out a place to live, found someone new and that was that. My escape pod narrative was running at full steam – and then, he confronted me.
I remember thinking,
“this is it, this is the moment, he’s going to yell and kick me out and I’m going to leave.”
but then he sat me down – looked at me and said (summarized)
“I know you’re not happy and I’m not happy either. I know about what you’ve doing – but I also know that I haven’t been treating you well. So, you have a choice… you can go, and be with him, and I won’t fault you for it, in fact I would completely understand why you left. Or, you can stay and we can work on this together.”
This changed everything for me… it was the first time that I had been given full understanding and autonomy over my own choices. He was seeing me for everything that I was in that second, someone just as hurt and afraid and lonely as he was and he accepted that. We accepted that.
In speaking with my therapist, I’ve come to realize that I don’t trust a lot of people, but this isn’t about them… this is about the one person I do trust, whole heartedly. The one person who looks at me and sees me for all of the beautiful and the ugly, the one who hears me, even when I’m saying things that are difficult, the one who understands me, who doesn’t take my spoken or written words as attacks but as conversation pieces to work through. One of the only people who gives me control of my voice and my choices and doesn’t hold them against me.
This is about you, Cody, and I want you to know that I appreciate you, more than any words could ever express, and I thank you for standing by my sovereignty as a human being and as a partner. ♥