It’s been a little bit since I’ve written something. I could chalk this up to many things, but instead I’m going to encapsulate the majority of it into one basket: spring cleaning. So here we go,
I had been broiling – a half step away from boiling over for months. I’d watched people bowl me over, without apology or even the slightest (perceived) care for my well being… and it just kept happening… I truly lost respect for myself; how do you respect someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it from members of her family, her peers or her friends?
Post-facing that statement, there was, and still are large stressful things happening in my life that have nothing to do with anyone but myself – but! Post-facing THAT statement, it seems that some people feel entitled to an inside scoop of my life when the reality is: I do not owe any one an explanation as to how I am feeling, because, quite frankly, some things are nobody’s business but my own. And just because I am not ready to talk about something, to anyone, does not mean that it doesn’t exist. I am not going to be pressured in to proving my own personal validity any more.
The last couple weeks have been spent finding my self respect again, re-learning what I want from my existence and the people that are part of it. I’ve been mentally unloading, something I haven’t been able to do in months, and setting up healthy boundaries. I’ve been socializing with friends I, almost, forgot I had because I’ve been so wrapped up in all of the bullshit that goes with anxiety and trust and limits. I’ve been teaching myself to be present instead of constantly looking back – teaching myself to let the sun touch my face instead of constantly looking down.
In doing these things, I’ve unpacked a lot of brain boxes. Years worth of relationships and expectations and things that I’ve just never really let go of – and I’m finally coming to terms with my worth, minus the words and actions of other people… I’m also coming to realize that I don’t need toxic relationships, just because they are family or because they are long standing. I’m sweeping up the dust and the clutter and I no longer care how long you’ve been around – if you are contributing to my mind being a mess, I don’t want you here.
I still have a lot of tidying to do, mentally, emotionally and physically – but I am on the right path, and that is what matters the most right now.
p.s, in normal “me” fashion, I’ve dyed my hair bright turquoise – hello spring!