The last two months have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster – it’s been a frenzy of fear, excitement, stress, disappointment and more fear… and now here we are. I’ve spent a multitude of hours in the hospital this week, and have more waiting for me in specialist offices and testing rooms.
At the beginning of April, we thought I was pregnant. Everything came to a complete stop; it felt like our whole world was crashing in on itself, but in it’s wake creating something new and beautiful. It’s hard to quantify exactly how we felt, other than sudden terror and elation. Needless to say, despite my symptoms, that is not what was happening… which is, admittedly, a little heartbreaking. I never thought that the idea of having a child would bring me so much genuine happiness.. but it did, along with a peace amongst the chaos that is my life. So, having that officially taken away from me and replaced with my current situation is difficult.
For any of you who do not know me, or maybe haven’t read some of my other posts, I have a lot of health problems. Most of them are unknown, or at least have been unknown for a very long time. Health is a huge anxiety point for me, this stems mostly from having severe symptoms with no explanation or treatment for many years… it’s kind of a vicious cycle really:
feel sick > feel anxious > feel more sick > feel more anxious > feel even more sick > feel even more anxious etc. etc.
and this is just health, this doesn’t include all of my other internal and external stressors.
Last week I started to feel exceptionally strange… I mean, I had been feeling strange for a couple of months but everything seemed to be amplified. I could barely get down full meals, I felt faint, my body was constantly sore – especially my stomach. Then, over the weekend, I started waking up with excruciating headaches and extreme nausea. Monday, it took me 2 hours to finish a bowl of oatmeal and fruit, I had to choke down lunch, which almost immediately led to me in the work bathroom, sick, for an hour. Two days of hospital visits, maaaaany blood tests and ultrasounds later – I’ve been told I, more than likely, have Crohn’s disease and a growth on my pancreas. On one hand, this whole situation terrifies me, having a name to my problems makes it all the more real, and then to add another unknown on top of that puts me in a weird mental valley that I can’t quite climb out of. My rational mind knows the chances of this growth, or mass, or whatever, being dangerous is quite small… but there’s that rampant anxious side that grapples and holds on to the worst possible outcome, no matter how small the chances. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to get answers for my health problems for years. It is really disappointing that it has had to get this bad for doctors to start taking me seriously, and accept that not all of my problems are mental, but at least we are on the right track. I have real specialists that will be helping me figure out exactly what is going on in these guts and I’m thankful for that, even if it means a bunch of tests and procedures that I’m really not looking forward to.
The majority of this week I’ve spent in my house. I’m lucky enough to have a boss and team that understands my needs and is flexible with me and my ever growing list of ailments. I’m also lucky to have a partner who is willing to drop everything to help me, drive me to appointments, tell me I’m pretty when I’m really not and make me laugh when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and freak out.
Today, after the craziness and stress of this week, we get to go to the island and decompress – forget about everything going on for a couple of days and recenter before going back to the normal city grind on Tuesday.
Thankfully, things are starting to even out – I can even eat solid food again! So, hopefully, this time away has and will continue to recharge my batteries for getting back to business as usual… or, at least, as “usual” as I can muster for the coming weeks.