It’s safe to say that the last month has been nothing short of a massive (for lack of a better term) cluster fuck. The days have been lengthy and overflowing with negative physical, mental and emotional mojo… but! While shoveling myself out of this pile of personal garbage I’ve discovered some little gems of positivity, small reminders that live in my pockets, that can be dug out and held up to the light during the minutes and hours that seem impossible.
- I may make a lot of jokes about trading my body in for a new one, but this is probably the most comfortable I’ve ever felt in this skin, my skin. Yes, most days are a battle and, yes, I do sometimes feel like it is constantly working against me… but maybe that’s why I’ve grown to appreciate it the way that I do now. It is, truly, the first time in my life where I can say that I am connected to my body, and while I may not understand what it is doing 98% of the time, I can at least look at myself in the mirror and love the person who looks back at me.
- The people in my life are amazing. From my fiance to my family, friends I’ve had since grade school to friends I’ve had the opportunity to make at my place of work… they are all the most accommodating, gracious, compassionate, just genuinely beautiful people and I couldn’t imagine going through all of this without them.
- My experience is valid and my time, like everyone else’s, is short. I can’t be held responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own and that is okay… it’s okay to stop and say that something makes me uncomfortable, even if it upsets someone else, because I deserve that right. I’ve lived a lot of my life thinking that I needed to come last in a long list of priorities – no more!
There are more, but these are the three that I have been channeling recently. I can attest to the fact that it is difficult to manage mental illnesses while also dealing with physical illnesses – it becomes hard to distinguish whether how you feel is because of one or the other, until it all melds in to one rampaging illness bull that knocks you on your ass every chance it gets. Lying, defeated, in the mud becomes more and more appealing each time you hit it, until you no longer want to stand up and bare your own teeth in retort… that’s where I’ve been lately, in a state of belief that says:
“Nothing will ever get better. You will be sick for the rest of your life, all of your friends and family will leave you behind because you are a lifeless burden that deserves nothing but the havoc you are receiving.”
Luckily, I’ve been able to look at myself and see something completely different. What I, now, see is a woman with ambition and goals and love coming from all directions… there are definitely hurdles strewn about her landscape, but, maybe if she takes the time to stop and love herself a little more before approaching, clearing them won’t be as daunting a task; Positive thinking won’t make the bull disappear, by any means, but it will make digging your heels into the dirt and putting your fists up a hell of a lot easier.