insomnia

I’ve been laying in bed, remembering conversations that I can never change… in most cases I wish I would’ve stood up for myself a little more. The more I think about all of these times I let myself down, the deeper I sink.
I read an article today that suggested I “pretend my feelings are light as a feather” – but that seems impossible when these feelings are so deep rooted in to my psyche, they’ve made homes in my bones, built bridges across my neural pathways to ensure my reason and sensibility don’t get in the way.
It’s odd, feeling like you are hellbent on your own destruction, whether or not that is something you actually want for yourself. The part of my brain that knows this is all temporary is just asking for some quiet, a moment to refashion it’s grip on the system and ride out the angry bull. But the bull is already bucking and kicking, it won’t stop until all of it’s resources are exhausted and it collapses, or until it caves in the skull of it’s rider, giving it free reign to trample everything else in it’s path.
I am both. So either way, I lose.

 

sorry about the nonsensical rambling – just needed to get it off my chest. 

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